10 HONEST THOUGHTS ON BEING LOVED BY A SKINNY BOY
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says ‘No, you are beautiful.’
I wonder why I cannot be both.
He kisses me
My college theater professor once told me
that despite my talent,
I would never be cast as a romantic lead.
We do plays that involve singing animals
and children with the ability to fly,
but apparently no one
has enough willing suspension of disbelief
to go with anyone loving a fat girl.
I daydream regularly
about fucking my boyfriend vigorously on his front lawn.
On the mornings I do not feel pretty,
while he is still asleep,
I sit on the floor and check the pockets of his skinny jeans for motive,
for a punchline,
for other girls’ phone numbers.
When we hold hands in public,
I wonder if he notices the looks —
like he is handling a parade balloon on a crowded sidewalk;
if he notices that my hands are now made of rope.
Dear Cosmo: Fuck you.
I will not take sex tips from you
on how to please a man you think I do not deserve.
He tells me he loves me with the lights on.
I can cup his hip bone in my hand,
feel his ribs without pressing very hard at all.
He does not believe me when I tell him he is beautiful.
Sometimes I fear the day he does will be the day he leaves.
The cute hipster girl at the coffee shop
assumes we are just friends
and flirts over the counter.
I spend the next two weeks
mentally replacing myself with her
in all of our photographs.
When I admit this to him
we spend the evening taking new photos together.
He will not let me delete a single one of them.
The phrase “Big girls need love too” can die in a fire.
Fucking me does not require an asterisk.
Loving me is not a fetish.
Finding me beautiful is not a novelty.
I am not a fucking novelty.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says, ‘No. You are so much more’,
and kisses me
- Name: jen
- Height: 171cm
- Relationship status: poly, in multiple relationships and some things-i-don’t-know-how-to-describe-yet (I AM BAD AT DEFINING RELATIONSHIPS, OKAY)
- Birthday: April 29th
- Favorite colour: deep emerald-y greens.
- Favorite singer/band: THIS IS AN EVIL QUESTION.
- Last song listened: Britney Spears - Kill The Lights (Circus is a fucking awesome album, fuck haters).
- Favorite movie: I HATE FAVOURITES QUESTIONS. THIS IS WHY I’M POLY, DAMMIT. :P
- Last movie watched: The Bourne Legacy
- Favorite book: I think we’ve covered this.
- Last book read: My Hundred Lovers, by Susan Johnson - it’s for bookclub, and I have … feels.
- # of siblings: Zero. I try my best to not be a selfish douchebag.
- # of pets: Zero. Renting is poop. :(
- Best school subject: *hands* ihni
- Current shirt color: blue with a white floral pattern
- Gamer? Kinda. More board gamer than anything. Honestly I think I find watching other people play more fun. Well, except Rock Band. Because Rock Band.
- Day or night? Night
- Summer or winter? Summer. I am a lizard person.
- Most-visited website? yeah, probably Tumblr.
- Celebrity crushes: Tom Hiddleston, Jeremy Renner, Lucy Liu, Beth Ditto, Idris Elba, Daniel Dae Kim